Under the Broom Tree

Isn’t it funny how we can take a simple, meaningless event and turn it into a motto to live by? Where I work, (Shiloh Home of Hope for Women), we call that an ungodly belief, because it doesn’t reflect the authenticity of who God created us to be.  Today I had an opportunity to draw up from the deep well of the past a memory that started for me an ungodly belief about music. Well, about me and music to be more accurate.

Like many children when they are young, I enjoyed making up little songs.  On one occasion I remember playing at my cousin’s house, along with my sisters. I must have been 7 or 8 years old. I found a music toy, probably meant for a toddler, but it fascinated me! I would turn the little dial over and over and listen to the tunes it played. Although it only played music, I was sure I could “hear” the words to the song. I started making up lyrics to go with it, and even though my composition was incomplete, I braved to share it with the adults as they sat around chatting. What happened next went into my soul and eventually came out as an ungodly belief.

The adults did not seem to be impressed with my song writing abilities. I remember my aunt scoffing and saying “That’s not how it goes!”  And all it seemed my performance warranted were a few chuckles before I was sent off to “find something to do”.  But my spirit was cracked. And thus began the lie in my soul that the things I loved to do were worthless in the eyes of the world, and even worse, in the eyes of those I loved.

I understand that these kinds of remarks and attitudes are not to purposely set in ones heart a belief that will set limitations on what they believe they can accomplish, or even their own personal value. When we are young we do not know these things.  We  just believe them, and because we do, we live accordingly.

I continued to write simple songs through my childhood, and not all of them were scoffed at. On ocassion my mom would have me sing one for company and they would all show their delight. But I didn’t trust their accolades completely. Over time I shared some of my poetry with classmates, and was met with more scoffing, and even ridicule. I eventually kept all my poems and songs to myself. I also began to look at my other love, art, as frivolous and useless in the real world.

I was involved in chorus at every opportunity. I tried solo singing twice, maybe three times, but was always sure  that I had done poorly. Lack of confidence was a major issue.  I didn’t really begin singing publicly until I was 34 years old, at the urging of the pastor’s wife, who was involved in the music program at our church.  I can remember that first song so clearly, as if it were only a couple of years ago (it’s been nearly 20!).  Was I ever nervous!  Since then I’ve sang on the worship team off and on for many years, and done many solos.  I even wrote a few songs, but have never considered myself a songwriter.

Fast forward to the present. Something I’ve always wanted to do is sing with a band, so I started one last year. We’ve played for 2 venues thus far and have another coming up in June. I love it. Love, love, love it! I love singing, making music with others, sharing it, all of it!  And now I’m struggling with my voice.  Could it be related to the other issues (BEB and Meige)? I do not know. I’m trying everything I can to help my throat so my voice improves. Allergy medicine for post nasal drip, medicine for acid reflux to heal the esophagus, and flushing my nasal passages with saline via the Neti Pot. Still snap…crackle…pop!

Someone once called me “The Anne Murray of 12th Ave. Baptist” haha! Now I’m sounding more like Phyllis Diller, if she sang!   But here’s my point, I will keep singing. I will do my best. I will write songs, and even call myself a songwriter.  I will continue to live my life full on for my first love, Jesus!

I no longer believe the lies that what I love to do lack meaning and value. I know that no matter what I sound like,  or what others may think, the Lord hears my heart, and it’s making a joyful noise! <3

“Shout to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music; make music with the harp and the sound of singing, with trumpets, and the blast of the ram’s horn- shout for joy before the Lord, the King.” Psalm 98:4-6

I have long believed that life is a musical and there is a song for everything. If we were clever enough, we could actually sing our way through the days.

My case in point is a recent experience under the broom tree. Since the loss of my brother last October I struggled to “get back to my old self”. Something just wasn’t quite right, so with trembling hands and twitching toes, I went to the doctor with suspicions of Parkinson’s disease.  Multiple tests revealed that all systems appeared normal, but I was struggling with cognitive function and extreme fatigue. The doctor’s diagnosis was RLS, and inspite of my doubts about the accuracy of the diagnosis, the meds prescribed have really helped with the twitching overall. Consequently I sleep better and have more energy.

While going through this process of elimination I developed another strange symptom. I could hardly keep my left eye open. A visit to my optometrist revealed a possible explanation, BEB, or Benign Essential Blepharospasm. If you think it’s a mouthful to say, you should try having it in your eyes! BEB is a neurological condition that causes spasms of the eyelids, including eyebrow muscles. In the most extreme cases a person can be considered functionally blind if they cannot open their eyes. Fortunately, mine is not so advanced.

I decided to visit a local ophthalmologist to get his opinion, and it didn’t take him long to confirm that it was indeed BEB. I’d already done a little research on the condition and learned that although there is no cure, there is a fairly effective treatment  in the form of botox injections. As a “lady of a certain age”, I might have eventually been interested in botox for deepening signs of wisdom (okay, wrinkles!), but it turns out that I became desperate to just  keep my eyes open!

Well, a week ago I had 13 injections of  a low dose of botox, with mixed results. For a couple of days it was fabulous, then the eyes were up to their old tricks again. I’ve got a follow up exam tomorrow to see if I just need a little bit more poison next time around.

Anyway, back to the music. My band, Elijah Tree (read my previous blog for more about this), performed Doctor My Eyes (a peppy tune from the ’80′s by Jackson Browne) recently at a Music Fest. I originally selected the song tongue-in-cheek, because, hey! you gotta laugh, right? But the more I listened to the lyrics, the more I like the song. It’s not so much about poor eyesight as it is about poor vision, as in apathy toward the human condition and suffering that surrounds us.  So it turned out to be apropos for the Music Fest on many levels.

So while I’m still working on a solution  for my eyes, I find that it’s the eyes of my heart that need the most attention. Homelessness, child abuse, domestic abuse , drugs and alcohol abuse, sex slavery, and all types of violent behavior surround us to the point of desensitizing us.  Apathy sets in because we are overwhelmed when we see the magnitude of the problem. We just shake our heads, say “that’s too bad” and move on.

We need a song of boldness, of courage, to leave our comfortable safe lives for the sake of another. What if we could see them the way the Creator God see’s them? What if, just for a moment, we could see who Jesus sees?

What if the  song was “Give Me Your Eyes”by Brandon Heath. Even if my eyes are squeezed closed, may it be the prayer of my heart, and always, with a song  in my heart!